I wake up every morning and think with my half awaken mind, why am i doing this, why am i so tired, do i get enough sleep?Never have time to succumb in deep and intelligent thought because the next thing i realised is, I am already late.
I tried to beat my own time and record each morning. I tried to punch my card as early as i could. I tried to finish the round fast and planned the discharges. Time is very precious and is boiling fast in my working life. Then,when the clock strike 5 it is again time to rush home and rest.
Is the houseman or doctor life so routine and automatic....some claimed it "auto-cruise"
Not until lately,I realised that it is not true. After read the hero story which happened in Haiti, I understood my role. I understand how important is my role in this community.
I dream a dream, I wake up with the desire for helping more people. Eventhough, what i did daily is not so dramatic compared with the hero in Haiti, but now i was preparing myself in the sense of responsibility, knowledge, skill, passion for bigger mission in the future.
I might start from a zero now, but, i would never give up until the big day where people needs me. That I would change the world to a better place to live on.....
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Unforgetable moment with my favourite MO
had an unforgetable moment with my favourite MO in OT and a "psychotic patient":reason:
(before OT, she bite staff nurse's hand when doing wound inspection)
1)Before operation start, she ask for her mum and dad forgiveness
2)She also murmuring:"ampunlah aku doktoooor!"
3)before we start, the anes told her that the op is ending
4)She move her hand up to op site and touch my back and MO(cant start GA due to BA)
5)She just verbally agree, Auooong, to our request but never follow order
6)Called our consultant "Tambi" and yell:"be gentle with her"
7)After given mida, etonox and ketamine, finally she slept well
8)Anaes specialist say:"It is time to whack her!"(for revenge)
(before OT, she bite staff nurse's hand when doing wound inspection)
1)Before operation start, she ask for her mum and dad forgiveness
2)She also murmuring:"ampunlah aku doktoooor!"
3)before we start, the anes told her that the op is ending
4)She move her hand up to op site and touch my back and MO(cant start GA due to BA)
5)She just verbally agree, Auooong, to our request but never follow order
6)Called our consultant "Tambi" and yell:"be gentle with her"
7)After given mida, etonox and ketamine, finally she slept well
8)Anaes specialist say:"It is time to whack her!"(for revenge)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sad, sad sad
Today as i was looking at the premature twin baby gasping for air, with severe indrawing of chest make me refresh the time when i wacth my best friend, my gold fish passed away. The helpless and frail look is so pity. Last time, i used to bite my teeth and pray hard that by God grace, miracle might happen and the fish might survive. So that, i sat beside the aquarium for half a day to watch the fish slowly slowly cease the breathing effort. I tried to put the oxigen tube nearer to the fish, but, it couldn't help as the pressure would make the fish swing in the water.
Today, i started to put my feeling onto my job by seeing "my" baby. After i conducted the premature twin (28 weeks), my heart felt heavy as the baby is really light. I know that the paediatric team is not gonna do any active resuscitation. Then, the second twin is weaker, almost like no sign of life. Quickily, I finish the other business and go beside the warmer, and observe the baby. I cant imagine how suffer is the helpless child trying to survive. The tiny baby took all his effort to inhale the gas into his lung. The skin colour slowly become fresh red to haemorrhagic dark. I cant hold my tears seeing such suffering. Why could this happen, why cant we do anything to help the child. I realised that we, doctor are useless. Then, i try to reduce the oxigen awhile in the oxigen box, and see what is the respond. Surprising, the child continue to breath in and out with all his might. In my mind, I wanted to reduce the pain the innocent child is bearing.
After delivered the baby, I saw such a relief in the eyes of the mother. She even joke with me during 3rd stage and perineal inspection. She is like putting in all the faith to a doctor to save her kid while she has done her part for delivery. Her active phase is also not a fast one. Then, by knowing the child is going to expired, i quickly bring her to the warmer. She is strong enough to hold her tears until back to the bed and start sobbing. Icouldn't help by wetting my eyes as well. But, what else we can do, as doctor is so useless.
Subsequently, I pray hard, and bring the baby to weight again, surprising, the weight is increased. The weight now is 640gm, then swiftly the paedatric team is alerted and resuscitation was done. However, later noted the child was ventilator dependent and SPO2 not stable with high setting.
Doctor is limited in effort in saving life. A lot of condition that a doctor cant do to help or taking control of the disease. And, as time slowly pass, doctor will become like robotic and rigid. He just think he had done the best for the patient, and which the others doctor would have done. And, the story end right there and then. In the view of peer, he has not done anything wrong or unethical. But, for me, a doctor is a failure.
She gave a new life to suffer and then die. i do not know whether the child is dying in peace or not. One thing for sure is, how suffering it was when if we put ourself in the baby shoe, suffocating with the sense of anxious, helplessness, weak, wish, pain is overwhelming.
I feel so frustrated and I pray hard. I think that is the only thing we, doctor can do.
Today, i started to put my feeling onto my job by seeing "my" baby. After i conducted the premature twin (28 weeks), my heart felt heavy as the baby is really light. I know that the paediatric team is not gonna do any active resuscitation. Then, the second twin is weaker, almost like no sign of life. Quickily, I finish the other business and go beside the warmer, and observe the baby. I cant imagine how suffer is the helpless child trying to survive. The tiny baby took all his effort to inhale the gas into his lung. The skin colour slowly become fresh red to haemorrhagic dark. I cant hold my tears seeing such suffering. Why could this happen, why cant we do anything to help the child. I realised that we, doctor are useless. Then, i try to reduce the oxigen awhile in the oxigen box, and see what is the respond. Surprising, the child continue to breath in and out with all his might. In my mind, I wanted to reduce the pain the innocent child is bearing.
After delivered the baby, I saw such a relief in the eyes of the mother. She even joke with me during 3rd stage and perineal inspection. She is like putting in all the faith to a doctor to save her kid while she has done her part for delivery. Her active phase is also not a fast one. Then, by knowing the child is going to expired, i quickly bring her to the warmer. She is strong enough to hold her tears until back to the bed and start sobbing. Icouldn't help by wetting my eyes as well. But, what else we can do, as doctor is so useless.
Subsequently, I pray hard, and bring the baby to weight again, surprising, the weight is increased. The weight now is 640gm, then swiftly the paedatric team is alerted and resuscitation was done. However, later noted the child was ventilator dependent and SPO2 not stable with high setting.
Doctor is limited in effort in saving life. A lot of condition that a doctor cant do to help or taking control of the disease. And, as time slowly pass, doctor will become like robotic and rigid. He just think he had done the best for the patient, and which the others doctor would have done. And, the story end right there and then. In the view of peer, he has not done anything wrong or unethical. But, for me, a doctor is a failure.
She gave a new life to suffer and then die. i do not know whether the child is dying in peace or not. One thing for sure is, how suffering it was when if we put ourself in the baby shoe, suffocating with the sense of anxious, helplessness, weak, wish, pain is overwhelming.
I feel so frustrated and I pray hard. I think that is the only thing we, doctor can do.
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